The enigma of a modern relationship

Headline: THE ENIGMA OF HAVING A MODERN RELATIONSHIP

Stand-first: Maintaining a modern relationship is like trying to navigate your way out a maze; there are dead ends, wrong directions and obstacles that lead to frustration.

For anyone trying to get back into the 'dating game', you have my sympathy. Nowadays it is difficult to find out where you stand in terms of relationship status, as the rise of 'playing hard to get', 'open relationships', 'reverse psychology' and 'mixed signals' leaves heads spinning.

The onset of technology use in relationships has led to a fragmentation in the communication process between the sexes. Nowadays communication among singles is usually through text messages, as phone conversation is seen as uncool and beyond societal norms. Speaking with my female friends, they hate to be rung by a fella, because it seems too eager and they would be worried about him being an obsessive and controlling person. Likewise, they wouldn't dare ring a guy, as it would be seen as desperate. In fact, girls rarely let men know they like them, instead they hope the man can pick up on the signals and jump through hoops to get them on a date. As my friends say; “A mans pursuit to woo a woman, must not appear needy or eager, instead he must appear in control and relaxed”. He has got to make the girl think that its not a big deal if she wants to go for a drink with him. He has to make the girl feel privileged to be on a date with him, only then has he exerted his macho alpha male status. Women expect this and they try their best not to give away their feelings. They must stay composed, aloof and most of all try the 'hard to get' approach.

If the impersonal nature of texting is not enough, it is the codes and symbols of text messages that are most perplexing. I am always flummoxed by what the 'X' at the end of a text means? Is it an endearing symbol or does it mean a kiss? If I put more than one X at the end, does it appear flirtatious? Moreover, I have always been afraid of using the cheeky smile too liberally, lest I get termed a tease. If it is not mobile phones, its Bebo and its hearts. I personally give hearts every time I am online, so the first three friends to leave me a comment, will get hearts in return, but again it is all open to interpretation and the lines of communication are not clear, in fact they are opaque.

Recently a friend of mine was texting a guy she met in a Dublin nightclub. He mentioned that he was busy spending the day with his two boys. She nearly had an aneurism. She was flabbergasted, he never mentioned that he had children. I was angry with him for leading her on. Then after a delayed response, she text back. She told him she was not interested in baggage and he replied; I was talking about my pet turtles. We nearly died laughing, she could have left a perfectly could opportunity out of mixed communication.

As a metaphor for our times, Internet friendship couldn't be more apt. Faceless; voiceless, it is possible for us to manipulate our identity, for the other person is unlikely to know which parts of us are authentic and which not. It is friendship without risk or intimacy. A virtual friendship, an illusion of one.

I often find myself listening to friends, asking me what does he mean? is he interested or not?
and I often spend hours wondering if these fellas are actually interested in my friends or interested in one night stands. Women are terrors for pretending to be nonchalant, but in reality they spend hours obsessing over text messages, wondering if there is a secret code in the messages. My friends are dying to text back but won't in fear of being seen as too eager. There is no such thing as being blunt anymore. If he texts back straight away, he is too interested and if not, he is a waste of space – the men don't stand a chance.

Men complain about women being over-confident and 'full of themselves' but in truth most of these women are insecure and putting on an act in order to hide their self-esteem issues, however reverse psychology – the cover, the facade, its all used and all confusing to members of the opposite sex.

Modern relationship has been further stifled by the social acceptance of 'open relationships', where the partners have made an agreement not to be exclusive and are free to date others. Recently I have grown worried for two of my friends who have started dating and whom I will call 'Brian' and Kate for the purpose of this article. They have as they call a ' open relationship' yet the female has no intention of meeting any other guys, and has become love struck, entering into the terms of an open relationship out of fear of losing him and desperately hoping that he will fall in love with her and be compelled by his moral conscience to stay faithful.

I am caught in the dilemma of saying too little and too much to either of them. I know for a fact that 'Brian' has been playing the field, yet he says he could love Kate but has 'commitment issues' - a sloppy excuse for wanting to play 'Jack the plough'. Unfortunately some of his friends are indifferent, almost impressed at his pulling power and then others are not as amused, but won't dare air their views with him. I get very irked by this, as if a woman carries on in this manner she is called a profane title and a man gets praise for how many he can score. The current impasse in relationships is further cemented by the fragmentation of social structures. Recently Sienna miller's affair with a married man with children, got extensive media attention. Sienna was branded a home-wrecker and the man got off scot free, having left his wife and children for the actress. Is this fair? Does it not take two to tango. I bit the bullet and had a 'conversation' with him, even though I knew it wasn't any of my business. His response was comical; “'Kate' has agreed to the terms, so all is fair in love and war”.

Modern relationships are all too perplexing and the road it is taking is leading to an enigma.
The only consolation is that not all people are adopting the modern psyche and there is still some old fashioned people entering relationships based on truth and open communication.
But finding these people may be like trying to find a needle in a haystack!